


How to Woo

by Dangit



Category: One Piece
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Not really though, Tumblr Prompt, a little bit of smut?, there's a spider, they like talk about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-29 02:57:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3879568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dangit/pseuds/Dangit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is based off a Tumblr Prompt.<br/>Person A goes to investigate a scream and finds Person B standing on a chair to avoid a spider.<br/>It screams Sanji, doesn't it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Woo

**Author's Note:**

> I literally wrote this in less than an hour. I find that I can get better at characterization the more I write, so this is just basically practice. I'll probably write more short prompts just to get the hang of writing Zoro and Sanji.

Zoro hated Fridays. To most people, it was the day to look forward to: the last day of school, the last day of work, the first day of the weekend—but to Zoro, it meant coming home after another twelve hour shift down at the pipes only to listen to the loud, obnoxious classical music playing from the apartment next door. For god’s sake, who listened to Mozart on top volume at midnight?

Fucking crazy, swirly-browed cooks, that’s who.

Zoro groaned as the music’s vibrations shook his bed and grabbed a pillow to cover his head. What had he done to deserve this? He had never bothered his neighbor, he had never complained about the noise, he never even bothered the guy when he had pornographically loud sex!

“I’m gonna kill this motherfucker,” Zoro scowled, fisting the blankets in anger. “If he doesn’t stop playing that goddamn—.”

The music stopped. Zoro raised his head, staring at the wall he shared with his neighbor, a hopeful gleam in his eyes. Was this proof that god existed? Was Zoro finally gonna catch a break? He glanced at his bedside clock: 12:47. Holy shit, if this was real, that meant Zoro would be able to sleep for longer than five hours for the first time since he moved to these stupid apartments.

“ _Ah! Ooh, baby, so good~!”_

Zoro’s eyes widened, horrified. This fucking bastard…

“ _Faster! Harder! Oh, you’re so fucking good!_

Zoro groaned and let his head fall on the bed again. Why him? Maybe god did exist, and he hated Zoro. Yeah, the blonde was hot, but why did he have to get laid _every night_? And why were his bed partners so fucking loud? Women did not scream that loud—at least, not with Zoro.

_“Ah! Ah! Ah! Your cock is huge; I fucking love it~!_ ”

There was the sound of low groaning, definitely a male voice. He sounded like a constipated dog trying to take a shit. Ugh, Zoro preferred the blonde’s normal voice, not this trash. Zoro glanced down at his own flaccid length. The girl’s voice was annoying, and part of him thought it fake. The girl moaned loudly and Zoro jumped off his bed to look for a pair of headphones just as the rhythmic drum of a bed slamming against the wall started.

_That is it!_ Zoro growled and slammed his hand on the wall. “Shut the fuck up! I’m trying to sleep, you nympho!”

To his surprise, the sound stopped. He didn’t think that was going to work. Even the girl had quieted down. Zoro grinned, thinking about ruining their mood. Served that bastard right. Zoro dropped his headphones inside the drawer again, thinking he wasn’t going to need them after all, and returned to his bed with a spring on his step.

_“Aaaargh!”_

Holy shit, was that a…? Zoro jumped to his feet and ran out of his bedroom at full speed. That wasn’t a scream of pleasure, it was fear. That was blood-curling fear. Zoro slammed his door open, not caring when he heard a couple of his picture frames fall, and ran to the door next door.

He didn’t even stop to check if the door was unlocked. He slammed his shoulder, pushing harder when he felt the wood give way, and ran inside the apartment.

The sight that greeted him stopped him in his tracks.

Sanji, his neighbor, was wearing only his black boxer briefs, his hair pulled up in a small ponytail. But that wasn’t what surprised Zoro. Oh no, the surprising part was that the cocky and loud-mouthed chef was currently balancing his entire body on the back of a chair, screaming and pointing at a tiny black spider in the middle of the floor.

“Kill it! Kill it! Oh my god!” Sanji screamed, pointing adamantly at the spider. “Get it away from me! Oh god, please kill it!”

“Cook?” Zoro questioned, taking a soft step forward.

Sanji’s eyes snapped to him—was the cook _crying_?—and his eyes widened in hope. “Zoro! Oh, thank god! Please, please kill it!”

Zoro stared between the small arachnid and the cook who had broken one of his ribs with a well-placed kick. Was he dreaming? Was a camera going to pop out of nowhere and yell _Surprise_? Because if they did, Zoro was going to knock someone the fuck out.

“Kill it! Please, oh god, please kill it!” Sanji cried— _begged_.

His voice moved Zoro. He stepped forward and stepped on the small arachnid, ending its life. Sanji sagged, almost as if his life had been spared, and climbed down the chair to sit down on it. Zoro didn’t say anything, still staring at the cook.

_What the hell_?

“This is the most embarrassing moment of my life,” Sanji groaned, hiding his face in his hands. “Swallow me, earth.”

Zoro smirked. “I bet. The amazing ladies’ man screaming at a tiny spider? I’m sure whoever you were fucking is definitely not turned on now.”

Sanji looked up—not too look at Zoro, but to stare blankly at the wall—and that was when Zoro noticed that the sounds of sex were still going on, though much muted. _What the hell_?

It looked like Zoro was going to say those three words a lot tonight.

“Is that… _porn_?” Zoro gasped, looking at the suddenly red chef. “Who the fuck watches porn that loudly?   
And every day? Holy shit—I thought you were a pervert, but this takes the cake, shit cook.”

“Idiot!” Sanji yelled hotly, getting to his feet. “Who would watch that trash?! Like I would condone treating a woman in any way—.”

“You can’t deny it cook,” Zoro snorted, interrupting him. “It’s still playing. It makes sense now—that guy’s moaning voice sounds nothing like I thought yours would…”

Zoro’s own voice died slowly as he realized what he had just admitted. His eyes moved to meet Sanji’s own gaze, and that slow smirk that appeared in the cook’s face promised nothing but pain.

“Oh? Has the stoic marimo thought about my moaning voice a lot?” Sanji asked, getting to his feet slowly. Again, Zoro noticed that the other man was only wearing his boxers. “How do I sound like, _Zoro_? Maybe, like this: _aah!”_

Zoro took a step back, gulping when the cook said his name—Sanji _never_ said his name—and his whole body shivered when he heard the cook moan. His previously sleeping member was waking up, and that was the last thing Zoro wanted, especially when he was only wearing sweatpants himself, and no underwear underneath.

So he did what he does best, and attacked the cook.

“You sound like a shit-throwing monkey, cook. Who would think about your moaning voice? It’s just that you play that crap so much, I was starting to wonder how anyone could moan that stupidly.”

Sanji didn’t take the bait, and instead of getting angry, he pouted. “Aw. And here I thought I would get to show you more of my sweet sounds. I haven’t been keeping you awake all these nights just for nothing marimo. But you’re so thick-headed, I thought you would never break.”

Zoro swallowed around his dry mouth. Was this going where he thought it was going?

“So you’ve been trying to seduce me, cook?” he asked, taking a step forward. “Maybe, if instead of playing those stupid pornos you called out my name, I would’ve come sooner.”

Sanji grinned and closed the space between them, wrapping his arms around Zoro’s shoulders. “What do you expect? It’s my first time seducing marimos. Maybe you could teach me?”

Zoro licked his lips, his hands automatically going to Sanji’s hips. “It’s a long class. I hope you have the energy.”

Sanji leaned in, his lips barely brushing Zoro’s, and whispered “Oh, I got all night.”


End file.
